Balance

When I was in law school, everyone was talking about work/life balance.  This led me to believe that there actually was such a thing, which set me up to feel like a big ole' failure when I never felt balanced myself.

What a relief, a whole decade later, to see that people are finally embracing the truth that there really isn’t such a thing.

When I think of balance I picture a woman with an eery smile who oozes contentment whether in the boardroom or the kitchen.  But I don’t know any woman who fits that mold.  I certainly don’t!

I can honestly say that I’ve never felt guilty for being a working mom, but I do often wish that I could do more of the things that stay-at-home-moms get to do.  I really like volunteering at Lily’s school and taking Jason to the park and it bums me out that I can’t do more of it.  It’s hard to feel balanced when I know that I’m missing out on so much.

On the flip side, it’s hard to feel balanced when I’m always toggling between phone calls, working out, meetings, lunches, the supermarket, drafting documents, ferrying Lily to afterschool activities, and reviewing materials.  I get to do way more than most working moms and I know how lucky I am.  Being able to run errands and get stuff done during the week buys me so much more family time on the weekend, but this also means that my weeks are pretty full.

At the end of the day, a feeling of balance is still elusive even for me, who works at home and has way more flexibility than most.

I guess what I feel in place of balance is a sense of control.  I’m not always oozing contentment but whatever state I’m in, it’s of my own choosing.  When I was younger I fell into the trap of feeling like I wasn’t in control of my own choices.  I had to work because we needed my income.  It was almost easier to feel helpless about it because I didn’t need to own my choices.

Maybe it’s just getting older but I don’t even care about seeking some foreign concept of balance.  Now, I’m just trying to exercise gratitude for whatever I’m feeling at that moment, even if it’s totally overwhelmed.

I’ve also learned to cut myself slack when I mess up.  Last week, I overextended myself and ended up missing a promised volunteer opportunity at Lily’s school.  Today, I completely missed Jason’s checkup even though it was written on the agenda sitting right in front of me all day.  A few months ago, I would have beat myself up about this but at the same time, gone back and forth with myself about whether I was really at fault (I work so hard!  How can I be expected to do everything?!).

I’ve turned a corner on this recently.  Now, I let myself feel bad for 30 seconds (yes, just 30 seconds!) and then I apologize to anyone I’ve let down and move on.  I’ve realized that balance is a total illusion but attitude is everything, as my friend Kevin says.   

So even though I’ve worked late every night this week and I’m staring down the barrel of the same for the rest of May (thank you very much for the GDPR European Parliament!), I feel pretty darn content (if not oozingly so).

Throwing in a bump pic just because! I'm almost 20 weeks along but this is only the 2nd bump pic I've taken.  I told Matt tonight that we need to start documenting this better so this baby girl doesn't question whether I'm her biological mom.  Poor 3rd child just doesn't get the same brew-ha-ha as the first two!